I TOLD YOU THERE’S NO ONE THERE
Some folks on the road to heaven
Are tempted to go astray.
All knew Parson Brown was one of these,
And golf what he wanted to play.
For he was only human.
But his flock didn’t see it that way.
“A vicar succumbing while we’re around?
Say, that’ll be the day!”
So every time he drove past the course
He saw the windows wide
And knew well that his stern parishioners
Were watching from the other side.
His frustration raged within him
Till he woke one morning at five.
The weather was fine and they were all asleep
As he crept down to the drive.
He quickly made his way to the course
And headed out for the first green,
Chuckling at the thought of what he was doing
And all without being seen.
But he’d forgotten the Angel Michael,
Who roused God from his forty winks
And said, “Wake up, Sire, it’s Parson Brown
And he’s out there on’t links!”
“Then I must punish him,” said God.
“As you know, it’s my wont with men.
And I promise you one thing, Michael;
That he won’t do this again!”
The vicar meanwhile was teeing off
In the early morning sun
But what a surprise he got when he found
That he’d scored a hole in one.
“Lord have mercy,” he exclaimed,
“Mercy upon my soul.”
But he’d even stronger language
When it happened at the second hole.
He went on to complete his hat trick;
Such golfing must astound.
The only man in history
To achieve an eighteen stroke round.
Even Michael, who’d watched the whole thing,
Couldn’t quite take it all in.
“But … but … but …” he spluttered to God,
“Tell me, how will THAT punish his sin?”
A wicked smile traversed God’s face,
And he answered, “Extremely well.
You and I may know what happened
But who can Parson Brown tell?”
~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~
Note that both God and Michael have broad Yorkshire accents.
CONTACTING THE SPIRITS
She’s passed away now
She never liked him to drink
With loss came freedom
She sees though he may be drunk
He still sends her a bug hig
When the curtain falls
Those acting opponents
Clean off all the pancake
And repair to the pub
NOTHING TO SNEEZE AT
My wife complained one day
At my sneezing with such gusto
I explained to her that it sprang
From my realisation that a sneeze
Is the respiratory system equivalent
Of an orgasm and therefore it is best
To simply just let go and fully enjoy it
She said I must be the only person who
Could manage to complicate a sneeze
REALISATION AND MINDFULNESS
To the computer
In a flash
A moment of mindfulness
Left glasses upstairs
THE EASY WAY OUT
Well and good but when one
Now that’s a bit extreme
“Come quickly,” mummy.
“There’s a man at the door with
a bill.” Her reply?
“Don’t be silly, son.
It’s probably just a duck
who’s wearing a hat.”
A college professor of English sent the following to his students, who were training to become writers:
“Before releasing anything you produce into the world make sure that you carefully smell check it first.”